The Holy Grail

Updated: Aug 17, 2020

I used to wonder why the human mind seemed so hard wired with a negative bias towards itself, which left me questioning why my own brain was so quick to judge, condemn and berate itself rather than lean gently in the direction of self love and self worth..

I was a happy kid. A vibrant, hilarious cracker of a kid in fact. Full of joy, laughter and inner sunshine, but, I 'Got Lifed' by series of 'unfortunate' events, which resulted in decades of anxiety, depression, guilt, fear and self sabotage. Familial trauma, car crashes, agoraphobia and social phobia were all thrown into my life-mix (just for good measure). I know now that it was not the events themselves that caused the issues I carried around with me, but it was how my mind interpreted, labelled and emotionally reacted to these events [ie. devastation/fear] which eventually manifested themselves as 'learned helplessness'. I suddenly found myself trapped by the looping thoughts in my mind that had it's guard up ALL the bloody time. There was such a cognitive dissonance going on inside of me - between the natural order of life (moving forward) and this 'monster' that kept trying to keep me small. I was so confused. We weren't taught or even heard of anything about 'self help' or 'self awareness' 'meditation' etc. back then. Anxiety was never ever spoken about, and, quite frankly, I thought I was the only person to experience what I was going through and really thought that I was some weird freak of nature. As a consequence, my self value and child-like sunshine seemed to fade a little more with each passing year.

I no longer lived in freedom and joy, because my mind had kicked into survival mode, always at the ready to go in to fight or flight mode. They say that he mind's no.1 job is to keep you safe - well, I'm testament to that very theory. This new found fear based way of living tried to keep me hidden and small (if we remain quiet and small, they won't see us, therefore they can't hurt us). You see? Brilliant really.

The problem is, I grew up. I survived and I sure as hell did not want to stay hidden for a second longer. There was this overwhelming energy inside of me screaming to get out, and so I went on the hunt for the holy grail (happiness, freedom, joy, abundance). It had existed before, and now, I wanted it back.

My pursuit for knowledge and understanding took me on some weird and wonderful journeys, the highest of highs and the lowest, scraping the bottom of a barrel lows - and, yep, I still do have the heart ache and scars to prove it.

Which brings me to the point: Mistakes, f*ck ups - do they actually exist, or are they just learnings? Some of them sure do feel like some bloody big ones that's for sure, and if they were learnings, then why oh why did I keep making the same ones over and over again? God knows the universe was screaming at the top of her lungs begging me to stahhhp!!! But instead, I blocked my ears, guarded my fragile little heart and just ignored her cries (I think that's called denial). Note to self: Life lessons will keep on showing up time and time again until they are learned, only then can you move forward.

My search for answers and 'sanity' led me to Psychiatrists, Psychologists, Doctors, Counsellors and finally, Hypnotherapists. Some good, others, well, I reckon they missed that whole class on ethics.

But, the depths of my humanity and faith in myself compelled me to Just. Keep. Going.

I was lucky. A few close friends and my little sister became my voices of reason and my soft place to fall, and, my children gave me reason and meaning. I needed to get well for me, for them. They believed in me. They needed me. They loved me even when I didn't particularly love myself. So I kept going.

I started to follow a trail of 'Light Workers' whom I have followed and studied for years. They taught me that I was enough, they taught me the rules and ways of the mind. They taught me that I alone was in control. Meditation, Hypnosis, Positive Self Talk, Re-wiring of the brain (neuroplasticity) using repetition to develop new healthy habits. What's this? MY THOUGHTS CAN ENTER MY BODY? WTF? Think about it, have you ever felt butterflies in your stomach? Nervous butterflies? Where do you think these come from? YOUR THOUGHTS!!!!!!!!! Holy sweet divine shit. This changes everything.

So, I worked - I worked hard on my thoughts, on my mind. Daily. I trained it. I re-wired it. I replaced old limiting beliefs with new, positive, self serving beliefs [rather than self condemning ones like 'I'm not good Enough' 'I'm Different' 'It's not available to me'. I could now heal my mind and my body through my thoughts alone. THIS STUFF is freaken gold and I simply I must share it!

Here are some Authors, Drs, Therapists and Coaches that have changed my life. They have shared their hearts, minds and kindness with me and for that, I am eternally grateful. Thank you for playing big in this world:

• Marisa Peer - RTT Founder

• Louise Hay

• Dr Joe Dispenza

• Tony Robbins • Bruce Lipton

• Jesse Elder

• Mike Kemski

• Dr David Hamilton

• Kyle Cease

• Lana Penrose

• Colette Streicher

With your knowledge, I healed the wounds in my mind and my heart.

With your kindness, I developed an understanding and forgiveness of my past.

With your wisdom, I took my power back.

The search is over. The war is over. My cup runneth over, for I AM THE HOLY GRAIL

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